By Rabbi David Eidensohn
(c) copyright September 11, 2002 by author

Table of Contents

Challenges to Marriage 
Intimacy at the Time of the Period 
Intimacy is a Torah Obligation 
TAKONAS EZRA (Ezra's Enactment) 
The Code of Laws - Two Views 
The Laws of MIKVA 
The Natural Torah Family 
Good and Bad 

Challenges to Marriage

America fails with marriage. Most Americans are not married; only 49% are. Half of first American marriages end in divorce. One of the major problems in marriage is intimacy. Studies, taken over the past century, show that up to eighty percent of partners are not satisfied with coition. Here we study the Torah approach to sexuality, and seek solutions.

The problems of marriage and intimacy are rooted, not so much in nature, but in misconceptions. There are several specific sources of these errors. One, is the Greek and early Church idea that women are evil, sex is lowly and that people in general are so bad that they need some super redemption, as they are unable to achieve it alone. Western civilization is rooted in the Athenian culture and the Platonic Church. These despise "mankind" and consider them to be in a funk and cave, and only a super person can save them. If the "masses" are lowly and almost animal-like, women are even worse. Athens preferred homosexual relationships because they wanted nothing to do with lowly women. Women were baby machines and servants.
             The Protestant Reformation rejected the idea that people deserve heaven because of struggles and merit. It taught that people achieve paradise only by a capricious grace unrelated to human piety. Evolution "improved" this and proclaimed people to be mere transitory biological things, and science denied purpose and transcendence. In such a world, the individual is such a nothing that it cannot find grace for itself, and surely cannot truly love another. Indeed, the rabbis teach that we love others only after we love ourselves. In a world that teaches us to be nothing, and to conquer the other nothing and be something (survival of the fittest), how can marriage survive?
Another source of the decline of marriage has to do with spirituality and erroneous concepts about pleasure and materialism. If people are to struggle with their Evil Inclination and achieve spirituality, how can they enjoy life, and how do they tolerate the intense joys of sexuality? This problem exists in all religious communities, and is complicated by teachings extolling asceticism.
A third problem, which we have discussed at length elsewhere, is the confusion about gender in the modern world. In recent times, the feminist call for women to be men is under attack, but the monkey doesn't know how to get down from the tree.
          A fourth problem is that we come to intimacy in one of two ways. Ideally, intimacy sprouts in a loving and caring relationship. Sharing thoughts in pleasant conversation flourishes into a carnal conclusion. Other people, unsure of themselves and surely confused about their relationships, come together without the combustible materials that lead to better things. They therefore function with fantasies or with biological and emotional solutions that have nothing to do with tenderness and loving. So painful is this approach that some sexologists consider modern heterosexuality a lost cause. Some people therefore seek relief with vibrators (for women) and pornography, homosexuality or, as one major sexologist has said, "autoeroticism is spirituality." Those who seek relief with pornography and homosexuality, etc., soon realize they have entered a bottomless pit, and their frantic efforts at unnatural relief lead to compulsive and addictive behaviors. Some spend their lives seeking love by punching the tar baby.
          Here we seek the ideas and even the social and economic environment where one can find the simple and straight in marriage. Ultimately, we may be able to see that our destruction is in our idealisms, our false ideas about spirituality, and misplaced guilt. We begin to perceive social and economic conditions that destroy family and society.
          All of us know how to eat and drink. Other pleasures of life, such as making money and seeking success, come naturally. From our earliest years, the eating mechanism, the enjoyment of owning things, and getting attention are part of us. Marital intimacy, on the other hand, is something that takes place in later years, and we are not truly prepared for it. Some may feel that biology can solve all, but it can't. What are the solutions?
          We want, in this section, to achieve several things. One, we want to present Reb Yaacov Kaminetksi's teachings about marriage. Two, we want to understand Reb Yaacov's critique of our current economic structure and how it destroys family. Three, we want to understand Reb Yaacov's call for Derech Erets, as opposed to idealism and spirituality without or even opposed to Derech Erets. (We will explain what Derech Erets is. Translated, it means, "The Way of the World.) Four, we want to understand Reb Yaacov's call for "natural" life and gender roles. While doing these four things, we will bring in various related topics, the teachings of Rabbi Yehuda the Pious and other classic works.
First, who was Reb Yaacov Kaminetski?
          Rabbi Yaacov Kaminetski of blessed memory, the Dean of American Rosh Yeshivas (Yeshiva Deans) was a senior Lithuanian sage of the post-Holocaust generation. Lithuania was the center of the Talmudic world, and it featured a scholar who was heavily involved in piety. Reb Yaacov attended Yeshiva where Talmud and piety were taught as separate subjects. Anyone who came near Reb Yaacov sensed his warmth and concern. This allowed him to achieve unique success in marriage counseling.
          "Reb Yaacov," said the famed rabbinical expert of the past generation in his eulogy, "performed five thousand marriage ceremonies and none of these, in Reb Yaacov's lifetime, divorced." His counsel and blessings pulled everyone through. (After Reb Yaacov died, I participated in a divorce of someone he married, but the divorce was due to medical advice, not marriage issues.)
Reb Yaacov, surely the outstanding counselor in marital affairs in the Jewish world, bemoaned mistaken concepts and their deleterious impact upon Torah family life. Our task here is to show the Talmudic concepts of marital law, as clarified by the great rabbis of all generations, in the revealed and hidden law, with a special emphasis on certain teachings from Reb Yaacov.
          A prominent divorce rabbi who knew Reb Yaacov for many years and asked him serious questions said that it sometimes took a long time to understand why Reb Yaacov was right, but he always was.
          Reb Yaacov told me that he wanted a book in English about marital intimacy with specifics. I was shocked. After years of working with problem marriages and sick people, I realized why. On the other hand, it seemed a radical thing. To even talk about such a thing in private is hard, and how do we write about it in a book? I was therefore most gratified when with HaShem's help I found the idea in the Holy Shelo, the mighty classic on piety and Cabala written by Reb Yeshayeh Horowitz in the seventeenth century. Few rabbis in all of the generations merited the appellation "holy." One of this select group was the SHELO HAKODOSHE, the "holy Shelo." The book SHELO is an acronym of Shnei Luchose HaBris, or "The Two Tablets of the Covenant." It contains much material in the form of wills that great rabbis in the Horowitz family left for their children1. This archetypal volume served the pious of the generations between the revelation of Lurian Cabala in the sixteenth century and the founding of Yeshivas and the spread of Hassidism in the nineteenth century. The famous Hassidic Rebbe Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Lithuania studied SHELO in his youth, before he became a Hasid.
          Several generations of the Horowitz family contribute to SHELO. One of the most famous parts of Shelo, devoted to Torah, is called "The Tractate of Shavuose." In this section2, from the core of SHELO written by Reb Yeshayeh ben Reb Avrohom, the author instructs rabbis how to lecture to the community from the pulpit. He says, "A lecturer must divide his remarks into three parts." One, he most quote the best interpretations from the authorities about the weekly Torah reading. Two, he must teach the common people laws that they don't know too well, and three, he must quote from the classics of MUSAR to provide spiritual uplifting. What laws must the rabbi emphasize for the community when he speaks? The Holy Shelo says, "He must teach the public, especially those who are not so learned, the laws that are necessary, such as the prayers of each day, the laws of Tsitsis, Tephilin, Mezuzo, the Laws of Shabbos and the way to behave in the home with marital laws and the laws of intercourse." We saw that in earlier generations, the holiest rabbis and the most pious congregations studied the Laws of Tephilin and the Laws of intimacy. Indeed, family laws are certain important. They cause and create the souls that comprise the Jewish people.
          It is important to know these laws. When we discuss them publicly, we take them out of the realm of mystery and confusion. A person who knows that the Torah says such and such is freed of the guilt and worry that causes so much mischief. A senior rabbi told me in the name of Reb Yaacov, that most marital problems in the Torah community come from mistaken frumkeit, or over-zealous piety. One who denies his wife or himself can do a sin and much more. How many homes have been destroyed; how many people have become ill because of ignorance of these laws!
          In Israel recently a rabbi wrote a book on these laws. Its purpose was to teach a Yeshiva student who is far removed from sexuality that intimacy is a fine and holy thing. The work is graced with the very enthusiastic approbations from almost all of the great rabbis in Israel, the senior rabbis of the revealed and hidden Torah.
          What is the target audience for this book? Here we take a different approach. We are not of the opinion that the problem is that someone is removed from intimacy and must be introduced to it in the mildest manner. Of course, some people must be taught that marriage is a worthy spiritual endeavor. The above book is written for them. Here, however, we write for everyone. All of us, says Rabbi Yehuda the Pious, are in danger from the Evil Inclination, especially the pious. "The one who is greater than his fellow has a greater Evil Inclination." We also are of the opinion, after years of working with troubled people, that those nobody suspect have serious problems. We want to teach the naïve in the community so their children are not fodder for pedophiles. We want to inform those building a family to understand how to structure their lives to produce happy children, and what not to do. We are also interested in this section in combating the opinions of those who claim that people are angels, and too spiritual for fulfillment in marital intimacy.
          Reb Yaacov was of the opinion that certain ideas, even some of the prevalent in the Torah community, will destroy family. Everyone agrees that the Torah community has serious problems with marriage and children. However, there are those who blame it on external things, and there are those, like Reb Yaacov, who blamed it upon the internal things. The roar of broken marriages, men and women who never marry, children from Yeshiva who turn to drugs, and a general lack of direction make us realize that it is time to call a spade a spade. Reb Yaacov spoke years ago, far before the problems were actualized and even discussed regularly in the secular newspapers. However, now that we know that he was right, it is time to give a hearing to his thoughts, and those of the great scholars and saints of the generations, even if they defy the customs and mistaken ideas prevailing today.
          Several years ago, I attended a meeting of some senior rabbis who talked about community problems. One of them bemoaned the fact that the very worst things can be had on a telephone. A friend of mine lent his credit card to someone, and to his shock, found that it had been used for debased purposes. Our community is not removed from the problems of life. The first and foremost defense is a good marriage and a good marriage depends on Derech Erets and intimacy.
          I once came to my rebbe the Gaon Reb Yosef Shalom Elyashev shlit"o, today's posek hador, the leading halacha authority of the generation. In the Shulchan Aruch (Code of Laws) it says that we must buy for our wives homes and clothing in accord with the standards of the community and our families. I proposed that this applied to intimacy as well. In a world such as we have in America, with its rugged materialism and worse, a person must practice intimacy according to the needs of the atmosphere and environment.
          The Rov (rabbi) replied, "According to you, Rabbi Eliezar the Great did not fulfill his obligations." The Rov meant that Rabbi Eliezar the great slept with his wife "as one who is forced by a demon" due to his holiness and spirituality. I replied that Rashi interprets "as one who is forced by a demon" to mean that he did this with unusual strength, meaning that his wife enjoyed it more than other women. This is the reason her children came out so beautiful and special, because according to the Talmud, the happiness of the woman during intimacy determines the level of the beauty of the children spiritually and perhaps physically.
          The Rov smiled, sat back and allowed me to continue.
          As I write these words, I have had a busy day. There is a child molester on the loose in Monsey; he is one of our own. A policeman came to my house last night, and a detective came this morning. A mother said to me, "There is a lion loose in our community. What can be done?" I am now a grandfather of sixty, and have spent much time with very sick people, including dangerous people who frightened the therapists. One therapist told me, "Rabbi, he is all yours." In my youth, I solved Monsey's worse Agunah cases, and both sides remained, to this day, my friends, and are not enemies. Whatever I did, I walked with Reb Yaacov's training always at my side. For years, I called Reb Yaacov regularly, about various issues. I merited also to study marital and divorce laws under senior rabbis of the past and present generation.
Yet, I deferred writing this book. I knew that it might be controversial, and perhaps I would err. One reason that I write this book is because at my age, I must think of the Future World. I will, hopefully, see Reb Yaacov there. As the shadows begin to gather, I can no longer delay. No matter what people may protest, nothing would be worse than coming to the Other World and disappointing Reb Yaacov. Alas, he would not be the only one disappointed. Those active in these areas know how important such a book is. In my Hebrew works, I devoted some space to problems of pedophilia and sexuality, and these invariably drew strong praise from rabbis and laity. Someone read my book and told his rabbi, "If I had read this, my child would not have been molested."
The great problem when we talk about marriage, sexuality and intimacy, is that we forget that we are talking, not just about musar (piety) not just about menshlichkeit (being humane), but about halacha limaaseh (legal jurisprudence). Translated, this means that the Talmud and Code of Laws teach about intimacy. These pillars produce the discussion of the Torah attitude towards marriage.
          Two Jews became religious and married. The woman was used to intimacy that seemed to clash with the Shulchan Aruch. I asked a senior Hassidic posek in Israel about this and he said that for such people the laws of sanctity in the Shulchan Aruch do not apply. (We will explain this later.) Let them do what they want, as long as there is not zera livatolo, vain emission of seed. I do not mention these cases to teach Jewish law; obviously, such cases can only decided by knowing all of the facts and having a prominent rabbi decide them. However, we do gain from these stories an insight that as we reach up the line of rabbinical greatness, there is improved understanding and effort to save marriages in line with the proper understanding of subtle family law.
Sometimes deeply religious people have the worst problems because of erroneous notions about Torah and intimacy. Eventually, their natures pull them over the line that they erected in the sand; they are consumed with guilt, and may become perversely ill.
          Various people have various tolerances. According to Reb Yehuda HaChosid, the mighty Cabalist and Talmudist who lived around the time of the Rambam, all of us must fear the great pull of our sexual inclinations, and we must do what we can in intimacy to satisfy our Evil Inclinations, lest we be pulled into terrible sin. (We will get to this in more detail.)
          If so, this book is for everyone. The Torah both Written and Oral is quite clear on the subject. The most pious person may do the most heinous sin. Intimacy is important because of what it is, but also because it protects against an omnipresent challenge to sin. Yaacov cursed Reuven for sinning with Bilha, the wife of Yaacov. Some say he slept with her, and some say he almost slept with her, but surely, it was a sin.
          Shechem raped Dinah, the daughter of Yaacov. He "raped her and afflicted her." The rape was one evil, and the other evil was that he "afflicted" her. What affliction did he do? It already says that he raped her. One answer is that he raped her, and then ignored her. For a woman who has tasted of intimacy, being ignored is "affliction." This is true even if someone has a terrible problem like Dinah. The lesson of the Torah is that a married man must be very careful to provide his wife with her needs, lest he "afflict" her, and violate his obligations in the Torah to fulfill his wife with intimacy.
          We know the story of Joseph and the wife of Potifar. The Zohar says that eventually Joseph could not surmount the constant temptation and seed rushed out of him. From the ten drops of seed, says the Zohar, the Ten Martyrs died and atoned for Joseph's sin. Joseph is known as Joseph the Tsadik (righteous), and yet, he seems to be the opposite. We see that everything is relative. Joseph, for years an Egyptian slave tempted daily for a long period, is a tsadik even if he has vain emission of seed, because he "ran outside" and did not sin. Of course, Rashi tells us that his father and some say his father and mother appeared to him just as he was about to sin. Still, he did his best, and is TSADIK. We learn from this just how terrible the Evil Inclination is, and that is affects EVERYONE.
          One who knows this may be safe, but one who imagines that he is safe, is not. The famous classic LEVUSH means "clothing." The rabbi was one of the great sages around the time of the Shulchan Aruch, or slightly afterwards, some four hundred years ago. He was handsomely attired, and a woman came to the door and tempted him. He wanted her very much, and did not know how to control himself. He flung himself into an outhouse. In those days, there were no toilets. The rabbi, smeared with smelly filth, gained control of himself as the Evil Inclination left him. He wrote ten classic books, all of them named in part "clothes" to remind people how powerful the Evil Inclination is, and that anyone can fail, anyone.
          We all know about King David and Bas Sheva. Sometimes, we think we are more pious than he was, but we are surely not. Anyone can sin. It only requires the right or rather the wrong set of circumstances. The only way to save ourselves, says Rabbi Yehuda the Pious, is to make sure we are satisfied with our family and don't feel the urge to go elsewhere.
          A very senior Rov of a prominent community in the past generation told me the following story. A woman cleaned her car for Pesach, and found a device. She took it to the Rov, and he realized, as she did, that the husband was sinning with other women. The first thing the Rov asked the woman was, "How does he behave with you?" She replied, "He told me that he does not need such things." The Rov told me that such people must be taught to enjoy their own families, lest they go elsewhere.
          One famous rabbi of the past generation was in charge of giving divorces in Jerusalem. However, he made very few if any divorces, because whenever a couple came to him, he took the husband for a walk, and the couple stayed together. So much depends on proper intimacy, and the Evil Inclination tells us to ignore it. The Satan rejoices every time a husband says, "I don't need such things." Of course, in earlier generations, and perhaps even today, there are truly pious people who are so spiritual that they are remote from the levels of others. Let us not forget, however, the gemora in Kiddushin about Reb Yosef the Pious. It illustrates that precisely the pious person has a greater evil inclination; this is proven by the story there of the great Talmudist Abaye.
          One rabbi was known as Rabbi Joseph the Pious, because of his extreme spirituality. A lovely young woman was redeemed from pirates, and placed in the rabbi's house, but the community did not trust him. They placed her in an attic, and the only way to get to the attic was with an iron ladder that took ten men to move. One day, Rabbi Joseph was studying Torah and thinking exalted thoughts, and inadvertently, his glance fell upon the woman. Seized with an uncontrollable urge, he single-handedly lifted the ladder and noticed, as if in a terrifying dream, himself rushing up it to the attic. Unable to stop, Rabbi Joseph the Pious screamed at the top of his lungs, "Fire, fire." Everyone came running, and he did not go into the attic.
          People were amazed that a rabbi could lift such a ladder. They theorized that rabbis had more lust than other people. The rabbis of the community came to Rabbi Joseph the Pious and complained about this. He said to them, that he had to do what he did, because he could not control himself any other way.
Indeed, the Talmud says specifically that pious people do have greater lusts than others. "Whoever is greater, has a greater Evil Inclination." Reb Yisroel Salanter explains that when a person conquers his Evil Inclination, it leaves his external mind and goes into his internal emotions, lying in wait, ready to spring. An iron gate locks the Evil Inclination in its cage, inside of the emotions, unable to influence the pious person. However, if the iron gate has a tiny crack, if the righteous person allows the Evil Inclination any opening, the enormous internal force springs out and consumes the pious person, as happened with Rabbi Joseph the Pious. Therefore, even pious people must be careful to satisfy themselves in marriage so that the Evil Inclination does not tell them that the grass is greener elsewhere.
          The gemora there tells another story. Abaye, one of the great Talmudists, noticed that a man and women met and walked into the woods. He was sure they would sin. How could a man and woman just walk along like that? He followed them, to prevent them if they sinned, but they walked and walked, and finally went in different directions. They said to each other, "It was such a pleasant walk, thank you for your company," and left. Abaye was crushed. He came into the Yeshiva and cried, "Woe to me. If I was that man, I would have sinned." The rabbis consoled him and said, "Whoever is greater, has a greater Evil Inclination."
          Abayeh took this very seriously. An extremely beautiful woman had a husband who died, and another husband who died. After that, most people feared to marry her, but Abaye married her. Why did he marry her? Knowing his great problem, Abayeh determined to marry only a very lovely woman so that he would not be tempted to look elsewhere.
          Beauty, of course, is in the "eyes of the beholder." Most men surely do not marry very beautiful women, as they are scarce and may not be the right mate for most people. However, a man must marry a woman who is beautiful to him, and who can satisfy his spiritual and material needs. Intimacy flourishes not because of some geometric physical shape, but because the couple are good to each other, sensitive and caring. Then, a true love develops that solves all of the problems.
          The first Jews were Abraham and Sarah. For a long time they lived a highly exalted and spiritual life, and Abraham's love for Sarah was not influenced so much by her extreme beauty. G-d then decreed that Abraham and Sarah should go to Egypt. Egypt was a physical exile, but it lowered the spiritual standards as well. Abraham turned to Sarah and told her that he now sensed her physical beauty more than before. We see that even exalted people are influenced by exile, by circumstances, as with Abraham and Sarah, Joseph, Rabbi Joseph and Abayeh. Where we go in life, we must be sensitive to the vicissitudes of our emotional drives. We must always be plugged in to our spiritual and emotional source, a successful marriage.

Intimacy at the Time of the Period

We mentioned earlier the teaching of Rabbi Yehuda the Pious in The Book of Hassidim paragraph 380, that one "may do what he wants with his wife lest he desire another woman." Other teachings in that paragraph are: 1) A husband should sleep with his wife even when she cannot have children, such as when she is pregnant, lest he lust for another woman. 2) Although it is meritorious for one to sleep with his wife, we don't make a cult of sensuality. We encourage a person to be involved in other things, such as the study of the Torah, that directs a person's thoughts to holiness. We see from this that a person should establish times for intimacy, satisfy himself and herself, and otherwise should be busy with learning Torah. Reb Moshe Feinstein adds that one who is busy with working does not fall into the clutches of sin. A senior rabbi of the past generation insisted that a couple set aside certain days during the week for intimacy, and the rest of the time the family is busy with other matters. Therapists stress that family desire is predicated upon an enforced abstinence. People who have it always have nothing.
          In the Code of Laws (Shulchan Aruch Yore Dayo 184,2) it says that a woman who has a fixed day or period each month for her menstruant period may not sleep with her husband at that time, lest she have a discharge during their intimacy. However, says the Shulchan Aruch, "only from actual sleeping together, but not from other familiarities." The Shach explains, "This means that hugging and kissing is permitted, as the Bais Yosef rules from the words of the rabbinical authorities." The Shach concludes that the Bach also agrees to this, that kissing and hugging is permitted even on the day she anticipates her period, but "one who is stringent in this matter will find blessing." In other words, the Shulchan Aruch, Rabbi Joseph Caro and the Ram"o, Rabbi Moshe Isserles, rule that one may hug and kiss his wife on the day she anticipates her period. This is the law. However, one who is stringent will receive blessing, according to one opinion, that of the Bach. The others do not say anything about being stringent, but permit it entirely.
          We have, thus, the opinion of the Bach, that not to hug and kiss on the day she anticipates her period is meritorious. However, the Pischei Teshuva (paragraph 5) quotes the Radvaz, in the name of Rabbi Yehuda the Pious, that it is forbidden to be stringent. He concludes, "It is forbidden to make up new stringencies upon Jews. We hope they will keep what they must." Therefore, everyone agrees that we may hug and kiss on the day she anticipates her period. The Bach praises one who does not hug and kiss on that day, and the Pischei Teshuva in the name of Radvaz forbids being stringent. Radvaz invokes Rabbi Yehuda the Pious that if we don't do what we may we will fall into sin. Rabbi Yehuda says in the above quoted passage, "More than this, my son, beware." In other words, it is forbidden to be ascetic with one's wife. This is not only true in general, but even on a day that she anticipates her period, according to Radvaz.
          Thus, hugging and kissing on the day a woman anticipates her flow is permitted. Coitus is proscribed for a woman in that period, but her husband may hug and kiss her. Yet, this is amazing. How can young people, in the biological heat of life, engage in hugging and kissing, and why are we not afraid that the man will have a vain emission of seed or that the two will come to do worse things? We see how extreme the matter is. The Torah tries not to forbid hugging and kissing, even on such a day. Surely, on other days, it is meritorious to hug and kiss one's wife. Doing things that are permitted save us from doing things that are forbidden.
          A similar discussion is found in the Code of law Yoreh Dayo 184 paragraph 10: "One who is prepared to go on a journey must sleep with his wife first, even if it is the day she anticipates her period. Even intercourse is permitted, but one who is stringent to speak loving words to her will achieve blessing. However, we have clarified before, that any kind of intimacy and love is permitted except coitus." Here again, we have a woman who anticipates her period, and therefore, she must be on guard lest she have relations and discharge, causing her and her husband sin. Nonetheless, if the husband goes on a trip, they may first hug and kiss and engage in all kinds of intimacy and love except for coitus.
          In this situation, however, we see that the Code of Laws mentions one opinion that it is preferable to attain blessing by not hugging and kissing, but merely speaking loving words to her. This opinion was not quoted in the Code of Laws previously, regarding a woman who has an anticipated period, when the Code of Laws permits hugging and kissing. This seems to be a contradiction. The answer is, that the two paragraphs, 2 ands 10, talk about two different circumstances. Both deal with a woman who always has a period on the third of the month, and now is the third of the month. She has not seen a discharge, but anticipates it. If the woman will soon have her period, and finish with it and have her husband in about two weeks, nobody in the Code of Laws itself says that it is meritorious to abstain (only the Bach, who is not a direct commentator on the Code of Laws, but comments on the Tur). If the woman knows that soon she will have her husband, and the husband knows it as well, they are unlikely to sin. They will just wait. Now they will have hugging and kissing, and later they will have coitus, after the woman had her period, passes the clean period and immerses in the Mikvah.
          Paragraph 10 is talking about a man who is going on a journey. The couple will not see each other for a long time. (In those days, it could be months, even years.) We fear that the husband and wife will be overcome if they begin intimacy, and one opinion suggests that although they may, legally, engage in hugging and kissing, they attain blessing for not doing it. This is only in the case where we fear that the two will be overcome by the long journey, but not in a case where the couple will merely wait until the period passes. This is the opinion of the Code of Laws.
          However, the commentator on the Code of Laws, the Shach, says that in the case where the husband goes on a journey even the Bach holds that they should engage in hugging and kissing, because of the strong feelings of the wife to her husband when he leaves her for an extended period. This is precisely the opposite of the Ramo who says that we are afraid when the husband goes on a journey that the two may be overwhelmed and therefore it is meritorious not to hug and kiss. Only if the separation is a short time, they may hug and kiss and it is not meritorious not to do so.
          What we gain from this is that on days when the woman is not anticipating her period we encourage hugging, kissing and all kinds of intimacy. Coitus is encouraged several times a week, although some in the Talmud had intercourse every day. It depends on the person's needs and abilities. On days when the woman anticipates her period, she may engage in hugging and kissing, but there is an argument if the pious does the right thing to refrain from this or not. We learn from this that: on days when the woman does not anticipate her period, everyone permits familiarity, as there is no problem of coitus. On days she anticipates her period, coitus is forbidden but familiarity is permitted. It is better not to be stringent, as major authorities forbid being stringent.
          Regarding the obligation of coitus, it depends upon the strength and ability of the couple. In Talmudic times, Torah scholars learned so much that most of them were sick physically, and therefore, could only be with their wives once a week. Others who had strength but whose jobs interfered with their family life, such as donkey drivers who were away for a long time, had obligations reflected in their schedule. However, a healthy Torah scholar can surely be with his wife more than once a week, and if he is physically able to do this and his wife desires it, he must be with her more than once a week. The Talmud tells how a great Talmudist, Shmuel bar Shilas, kept his marital obligations daily. Others, whose financial and physical situation allowed them to do this, were obligated as well to visit their wives every day, if she wished this. The time one must devote to his wife is called ONAH, and to neglect it is a Torah sin. Of course, there are times when a husband must go on a trip or doesn't feel well, but if all is in order, he must perform his duties.
          On the two or three days a week people establish for ONAH, there are all types of excuses for being busy, tired, nervous and multiple other reasons to ruin the night; of course, there is always a telephone call. Just as a Jew must prepare for several days to make the Sabbath, so a Jew must prepare for ONAH. Sometimes it is very hard to keep from being exhausted, especially during busy seasons such as the holidays, but this is the Law. We try the best we can. "One who comes to purify himself is helped by heaven." When we want to do a mitzvah, we find ways to do it.
          The night of ONAH begins during the day preceding it. Amid crying children, urgent financial matters, shopping and this and that, there must be a path to peace. People should get a good night's sleep the day before. The day before ONAH and specifically the night of ONAH is not a time to talk about contentious things. We don't let life fly; we organize it. If we do, we are rewarded. Chaos is its own reward.
          Get your spouse in a good mood, even if you are in a bad mood. Smile, and the world smiles with you. Frown, and the world frowns with you. ONAH night is high on the stress list. People are nervous and easily lose themselves. Ideally, both come to ONAH in a happy frame of mind; pleasant talk and happy feelings lead naturally to success. On the other hand, as the souls of the two participants enter deeper areas, as the external layers of the emotions are peeled away, much doubt, fear and anger surface. Many women find themselves suddenly furious and the husband has no idea why. Sometimes the man loses his mood, and the wife doesn't follow his abrupt change of attitude. Some say prayers on ONAH, because to achieve it properly one must have heavenly assistance.
          One who has problems with ONAH feels guilty and even handicapped, and this makes things worse. Therefore, if one cannot perform ONAH happily, they should go to an expert who can help them. There are people like this in every community, but not everyone who claims to be an expert is one. Sometimes, we find out these things by trial and error, but we must keep trying. "The bashful will not learn."
          Don't come to ONAH with the idea that they you are owed. Modesty and appreciation fuel the spigots of marital culmination, as well as all relationships. We must develop this idea a bit. One of the great classics in Jewish literature is TOMER DEVORA (Deborah's Date Tree) by the master sixteenth century Cabalist Reb Moshe Kordevero of Tsefas, Israel. (Lived in the Jewish years 5,682-5,740.) His work begins by saying that all holy traits flow from modesty, and that the highest of all Cabalistic emanations is self-abnegation. On the other hand, one who has all of the lower holy traits but is conceited has polluted everything.
          In marriage, especially in intimacy, we reach for the highest supernal levels. The unity of the Holy Name is revealed by marriage. There cannot be any arrogance or conceit in such a sublime experience. We are not perfect, and one of our problems is lack of humility. People who have feelings of inferiority may be more arrogant and demanding than others. On the other hand, we should try. We should remember that perhaps the other one owes us, but we owe G-d, and we owe others. When we forgive, G-d forgives us.
Since each spouse has a list of evil deeds committed by the other, the only solution is to be modest and express remorse. Forgiving is not falsehood. Love when we are indignant is not wasted. If we only knew how much misery we cause our spouses and children, not to mention our poor parents, we would be devastated. We are, however, rarely distraught, unless the spouse angers us. ONAH is a time when we appreciate our spouse, and manifest the forgiveness that we surely need. The worst thing in a marriage, says the Talmud, is arrogance, especially on the part of the husband. Nobody can stand him.
There are husband who do very bad things, and yet their wives love them. There are good and upright husbands whose wives hate them. A little modesty goes a long way, accompanied by true remorse and honest confession. A little arrogance goes a long way, and there is no cure for it in a marriage. They key, said a senior rabbi of the past generation, is for the spouses to be comfortable with each other. Giving, trying, loving, forgiving and appreciation, rather than taking and anger achieve this.
          There are set days for ONAH, say two or three times a week, or once a week, or even more. However, anytime a couple feel the need for intimacy, it is appropriate. A husband who sees his wife yearning for some warmth has an obligation of ONAH. ONAH applies not only to coitus, but whenever a spouse needs intimacy. One who does not have a son and daughter is obligated to be with his wife each time of his ONA, or day of obligation. This obligation, as we mentioned, depends upon the physical strength and schedule of the husband. On the day that the husband has ONAH, he must visit his wife in order that they have a child. Once they have a son and daughter, if they prefer not to have relations on an ONAH day, they may not have to do it, depending on their reason for deferring it. We cannot go into all of the halachic particulars here for those who have fulfilled the command, "Be fruitful and multiply." (See Igres Moshe, Even Hoezer, Vol I, 102.)
          Reb Moshe Feinstein, the leading halacha authority of the past generation, writes in Igres Moshe E"H 4:66 "It may seem proper to refuse to write about the laws of relationships. However, since some people err on the part of lenience or stringency and this causes damage to the peace of the home which is so important, I decided that it is Torah and I must write about it." Rabbi Feinstein says, "Hugging and kissing are included in the obligation to please one's wife with coitus, and to make his wife happy." If the person knows that such will bring about an emission of semen, he should refrain, that is, first do coitus and then hug and kiss. Eventually, he will be able to hug and kiss without an emission of semen. Most people, even those erected, will not have an emission of semen from amorous caressing.
          Rabbi Feinstein (Igres:E"H3:28) says that the Torah commands a husband to be with his wife whenever he notices that she needs it. However, since women may be bashful or too modest to openly express themselves, there are times when the rabbis assumed the woman would desire relations, and they commanded the man to visit his wife then. Practically, a man must be with his wife at least twice a week, on the night she returns from the MIKVEH, when he leaves town, and any other time he sees her need.

Intimacy is a Torah Obligation

Rav Cahana, says the Talmud, crawled under the bed of Rav during intimacy. Rav, "spoke, joked and did what he had to do." Rav's enthusiasm scandalized Rav Cahana. "You appear, sir," he said Rav, "as one who is starving." We assume that the law is like Rav, the mentor, rather than the student Rav Cahana. Rav did not crawl under Rav Cahana's bed. Reb Cahana crawled under Rav's bed. In all cases in the Talmud where someone followed someone else to see the laws in action, the student followed the mentor. If so, the law is as the mentor, Rav, against Rav Cahana, and one should do with his wife "as if he was starving."
          Why should the senior rabbi of the generation act as if he was starving? One reason, as we mentioned earlier, is that the more pious a person is, the greater is his Evil Inclination. Rav greatly feared his Evil Inclination, as a pious person must, and as is indicated in other gemoras. He therefore did with his wife what his Evil Inclination wanted him to do in sin. This is one reason.
There is, however, another gemora (Shabbos 152), that when Rav was old, he groaned because he could no longer have intimacy as he did when he was young. Why did he groan? Surely, a pious person should be happy that he no longer had such an Evil Inclination. We see from this that intimacy is not only a physical obligation to our spouses; it is a great power of spirituality. Indeed, Shelo teaches that in eating there is physical food for the body and spiritual food for the soul. When we perform a mitzvah such as intimacy, the holy works tell us that we unite the Heavenly Name and release great and holy lights. Rav was saddened when he could no longer perform intimacy.
          Let us study the gemora and the story of Rav groaning. Interestingly enough, the two rabbis in our discussion, Rav and Rav Cahana, are also in the story of Rav groaning. Rav Cahana was reading for Rav a passage of Solomon talking about the impact of old age, and one of the problems of the elderly is that they no longer can have sex. Rav groaned, and Rav Cahana said, "Rav is no longer potent." What is the context of this teaching, and what is its purpose?
The gemora there discusses the statement of the friend of King David, Barzilei of Gilad, that in his old age he had no pleasure from food because it all tasted the same. The Talmud objects that in the house of Rabbi Judah the Prince, a 92-year-old woman was the official taster. The gemora answers that Barzilei was a sensualist who pursued sexual pleasures. For this he aged quickly and lost the power of taste. His sensualist lifestyle ruined his senses in his old age. However, a person who lives with moderation can enjoy life in old age. Then the gemora adds that the Torah scholar increases wisdom with old age, but the ignorant person grows more foolish. How can a person whose mind is weakening become wiser? One who studies Torah and is spiritual finds in old age a renewed source of spirituality and wisdom. He enters higher levels unavailable to the youth entrapped in the body and its pleasures. This leaves the impression that intimacy is somehow a barrier to wisdom and spirituality. Therefore, the gemora carefully notes that Rav, in this context, groaned because he was impotent. Intimacy, unlike other of the physical abilities of youth, is not an obstacle to heaven. Old age, in this sense, is an impediment in that it does not allow intimacy as in youth. This, however, can leave an impression that all of us must lust for women. The Talmud therefore presents two teachings. One is about the greatness of women who build the home and children, and it then returns to the teaching about Barzilei of Gilad and his sensualist ruin. Barzilei lived as a lady's man, and for him a woman was not a family or a font of spirituality, she was rather a physical form no different than a drink or drugs. The gemora says to the sensualist: If you only look at a woman's physical body, note, "She is a vessel filled with excrement, her mouth is filled with blood, and all run after her."
The final phrase, "and all run after her" is a further insult to the sensualist. The physical prostitute is not a private person, but "all run after her." The sensualist gets in line and gives his youth and strength, eventually aging without strength, wisdom or even pleasure. All of that went to the physical woman.
          "There are three partners in the child, the father, mother and G-d" (Talmud Kiddushin 30). The act of intimacy invokes the Schechinah, and brings down proper souls into the world. Even when people do not become pregnant, as when the wife is older, procreation produces high souls that can go into bodies, such as the souls of the converts. Indeed, the Zohar says that in heaven there is procreation, or intimacy, that produces, among the pious of the Future World, holy souls that go into converts (Zohar Shelach).
In the classic Gate of Holiness about intimacy, the Rav"d tells us when there are ONA obligations:
          1) When he has to have children 2) When the woman is pregnant and the coitus is helpful for the baby (perhaps hormonal activity is beneficial to the embryo) 3) When the husband sees that the wife tries to attract his attention and interest him 4) When the husband leaves town he must first take leave of his wife with ONA. We assume that the wife anticipates intimacy before he leaves.
          If a man is seized with desire, he surely can be with his wife, and it is good for him to be with her to save himself from sin. However, would it not be better for the man not to be seized with such desires? Here we cannot praise the person for coming to this situation, as we do in the four earlier categories. If, however, the person does have the problem, and cannot dismiss his thoughts, he should be with his wife.
          The wife does not have the command to have children, as does the husband, although she must not neglect it. She, too, must respect the times when her husband is aroused, and respond. In all of this, there are questions what happens if this one or that one isn't interest. We cannot adjudicate any lawsuits here, but we do present the proper format. A spouse must be sensitive to the sexual needs of the other, because it is the proper thing, and because the alternative is not attractive.
          Although intimacy is treasured as a protection against sin and it invokes great spiritual forces, the Torah Jew marries also because he must; the Torah commands it. He must make his wife happy; this is an obligation to the wife. He must bring a child into the world; this is his mitzvah. Esoterically, he creates souls and powerful forces with his deed, for good or bad. He also protects himself and his wife from sin by fulfilling their happiness with sanctity and marital intimacy. These are obligations, not just nice things.
          The gemora says in the end of Tractate Gittin that a man wanted to make sure that his wife did not commit adultery. There are two ways. One, he is good to her, and she is faithful. The other way is to lock her in the house. The Talmud says that if he locks her up, he can be sure she will be unfaithful. In other words, sin is just outside in the street, or even inside of the home, at times. If we live in peace and harmony with our spouses, we are protected from sin. If we are not happily married, somehow, sin will present itself, and without a good alternative, may prevail, heaven forefend. Of course, this rule applies to children as well. We can be loving and kind, and assure their proper behavior, or we can be tough and reap the whirlwind, heaven forefend.
          Rav did not act as if he was starving because, heaven forefend, he was a materialist. The fires of marriage serve Holiness. One who is cold in intimacy has not behaved properly. On the other hand, we certainly do not make a culture out of what Maimonides calls "the Arabic tendency to lust for certain physical shapes," or what Americans would call "sex." Marital intimacy is a very private thing, and modesty pervades the Jewish home. One senior rabbi told me, "Pleasure is increased with modesty, and declines without it."
          Halacha is Jewish law. There are halachic reasons to engage in intimacy as Rav did. One is the obligation a husband has to his wife, and a wife to a husband. Marriage requires mutual support, and intimacy is a major marital process required by Jewish law. One who does not please the spouse sexually, even out of a wish to escape materialism, is simply a sinner.
          A marital obligation is the same as a monetary obligation. If you don't pay your debts, if you don't perform your obligations, you are a thief. The Talmud in tractate Shabbos says that a partner in a marriage who does not work according to their responsibilities is a thief. Making a spouse happy is a monetary obligation, just as if one has bought something and not paid for it, or borrowed money and not returned it. The Talmud also says one who denies intimacy to a spouse is a grievous sinner; there is awful pain for someone denied proper intimacy. To cause such pain is evil.
          The Talmud also mentions that how we engage in intimacy affects the embryo and the child. "Make your wife happy doing a mitzvah," meaning intimacy, will produce a good child. Intimacy with coldness or revulsion may produce a damaged soul for their child.
          The Talmud tells of the rabbi who was so engrossed in learning that he forgot to go home to his wife. She was agonized by his not coming, and the rabbi was punished with death. "Beware of mistreating your wife," says the Talmud, because where tears flow, punishment follows. Rabbi Yehuda the Pious tells us (169), "One who enslaves others or makes people afraid of him is treated in the Future World like an animal. This applies also to one who torments his animal."
          A marriage is an ideal place for a tough and cruel person to "enslave" and "torment" another. Nobody knows what cruelty one spouse does to the other. The pain a spouse can inflict is much worse than the pain that another can afflict.
          The section in the book quoted above from Rabbi Yehuda the Pious is a long one. It begins with the punishment in the Future World for men who sin with women. They are forced to draw wagons until they become exhausted, and are treated like animals. One who engages in sexual sins forgets that he is human, and when he becomes an animal with sin, he is so treated. In the same thought, Rabbi Yehuda the Pious includes those who act like animals by forcing other people to work for them, or who torment other people. We are humans only by guarding ourselves sexually, and by not hurting others. If we want to act like animals, heaven punishes us as if we were animals.
          One who drags a wagon serves others. An animal serves people by dragging their wagons. When we serve our sexual drives without sanctity and marriage, and when we engage in cruelty to people or even to animals, we must "pull the cart" as an animal. We must give our strength until we drop exhausted, until we lose our strength, because we once abused our strength with sexual sins and by tormenting and working others, even animals.
In a marriage are many opportunities to hound and hurt others. Are we people or are we animals? Marriage is an environment that reveals the best and worst in us. We are not going to escape heavenly scrutiny for our deeds, not even those done in privacy and intimacy. We are not mere sinners when we torment others. We have lost our human demeanor. A human being is in "the image of G-d." One who is free with his sexual experiences and one who torments others are not worthy of being "human."
          Rabbi Yehuda the Pious amplifies this thought in paragraph 44. He writes that G-d punishes anyone who causes not only physical pain, but also emotional pain to another. If we spit on the ground and distress someone by the sight of it, G-d punishes us. If we whip a horse in a cruel manner G-d will punish us. What punishment is there for someone who causes marital pain, the greatest suffering?
          In paragraph 666, Rabbi Yehuda the Pious tells us, "Any deed that results in pain for another, or even needless pain to an animal, such as loading it too heavily, and he hits it and it can't go, will be judged, because the pain of living things is forbidden by the Torah." If the Torah forbids us from physically paining an animal wantonly, surely we may not carelessly harm our spouses emotionally. Proper intimacy is a good deed, and improper intimacy is painful, perhaps the worst emotional suffering one person can do to another. What punishment is there for it! Intimacy is an area where we can savage and ruin another person's life by doing, literally, nothing. If we ignore our spouse, we have plunged a knife into their heart.
          In paragraph 667, Rabbi Yehuda the Pious adjures us from overworking a pregnant animal, and surely a human servant. Today, when many women work, they come home worn out, and have to make Shabbos or Yom Tov. Do we care about them properly? Do we overwork our spouses? Today people are running ragged. How easy it is to push our family too much. These are grave matters, but in the rush of life, we seek help from our closest relatives, not realizing that we are pushing too hard. We may not overwork a pregnant animal, and surely not a pregnant servant. May we overwork a pregnant wife?
In paragraph 668, Rabbi Yehuda the Pious again exhorts us to appreciate what an animal does for us, and not to push it too hard. Surely, we must not beat it when it hasn't the strength. Surely, he adds, we may not mistreat our wives; we must appreciate and honor them. One who does not treat the other spouse with proper intimacy causes great pain.
          Think, says Rabbi Yehuda the Pious, how you would like to be treated if someone owned you. That is how you should treat your animals, and surely your family. "Love your fellow as yourself." Behave towards others as you want to be treated. If we maintain such an attitude, and create a loving atmosphere in the home, intimacy will come by itself. If, however, we hurt our spouse, we reap punishment.
          There is, however, a problem with intimacy. It seems so far from spirituality. We appreciate praying, Torah study and piety. Can the same person who prayers, studies Torah and engages in piety practice intimacy properly? Rabbi Yehuda the Pious (paragraph 362) says that during intimacy if the man thinks about Torah he does not have a proper desire, because Torah lowers the sexual drive. The soul of the children who come from intimacy is related to the amount of desire of the parents during intimacy. Desire is spirituality and brings a better soul to the child. In order to have pious children, we must increase our desire by not thinking in Torah but in matters that increase intimacy. (See Chido in his commentary there.) (This is related to the gemora that in order to have a desired child, "Make your wife happy during intimacy.)
A rabbi once called me about a young woman who did not want intimacy. When she married, an older woman spoke to her, and told her about the "Jewish" way of marriage. "When your husband is young and blemished," said the older woman, "he will desire intimacy. However, in a few years, he will become a mentsh, a person, and will no longer want it, except to procreate." A few years after the marriage, the husband was still interested in his wife, and was not yet a "mentsh," so the wife demanded a GET, a divorce. I explained to the wife that the older woman was wrong. Afterwards, I published a lengthy response about this in my work Teshuvos Bayis Ne'Emon: Ribbis. A rabbinic judge read my book and said, "The best part of it was that response."
          Reb Yaacov said that the major problem in Torah marriages is precisely this misunderstanding; people think that desiring intimacy is shameful. Those who feel this way embark on a dangerous path, one forbidden by the great rabbis, including Rabbi Yehuda the Pious, the greatest of the saints.
In paragraph 380 of Sefer Chassidim, Rabbi Yehuda the Pious tells us that sometimes we are legally in our rights to divorce someone, or to cause them pain. In the Future World, our "legal" act will bring upon us divine punishment. Rabbi Yehuda the Pious adds another idea: Not only it intimacy important, but the Torah permits us to fully engage ourselves in exotic intimacy lest we come to great sin.
          A man wanted his wife to dress a certain way. She refused, and the community backed her, as they had very high standards of modesty. The man then committed a hideous sexual sin, and the community relented. It surely wasn't all that simple, however, the dressing was relevant to his needs.
Speaking of sinning, there are people who cannot really control themselves. Our biological mechanism demands sexual gratification from puberty and surely, when we are deep into our teens. People in their twenties and surely the thirties have to have relief, but without marriage or sin, where can they get it? Officially, of course, we demand abstinence and purity, but practically, we know what is going to happen. People are human. The emphasis in all of this has to be to get people married, and when they are, to make sure they are happy and fulfilled with intimacy. Those unmarried have a terrible problem, and if they are religious and feel it wrong to engage in pre-marital sex, but cannot really hold themselves back, how do we deal with this?
          We can't always win, but when we fail, let us do it in style. Let us fall and get up. Let us fall with the smallest amount of sin. The Talmud says, "Even when we sin, we serve G-d as we can." We sin, but as we do, we try to show our fear of G-d by minimizing our failing and falling. Reb Aharon Kotler said, "If you sin, repent immediately. If you don't, the sin becomes very strong, even overpowering. But if you repent, the next time the sin begins all over as a small, weak sin, not a rugged one connected to and nourished by a series of evil deeds.
          The sexual sins are many, and although technically there are gradations, for practical purposes, we cannot easily determine when to sort and arrange the sins and then act upon these constructions. Masturbation is a sin, because the seed is for procreation. On the other hand, if someone cannot stop himself from sleeping with a forbidden woman, he must masturbate if that relieves him. The worst masturbation is that done during marital relations to destroy the seed and not to procreate. On the other hand, if this is done for medical reasons, or because the people suffer from the child, we cannot throw at these troubled people ink printed on words to intensify their anxiety and problems. These are quite complex laws, and are decided only by senior rabbis in individual cases. I only mention it to show the problems of creating categories, because these can lead to much mischief as people's evil inclination figures out how to sin sexually.
To indicate the dangers of categories of these matters, a young man was overwhelmed by desire, and decided that the least category of sin was pedophilia! He simply had never heard of such a sin, and thought it was just a minor thing. People don't know what is important and what is not. What sin it is to ruin a child. Can there be a greater sin? Furthermore, since molested children tend to molest others, the "small sin" of the ignorant becomes a pyramid of pain, pedophilia and perversion.
          One may not sleep with any woman outside of matrimony. One may not marry certain women. In Jewish law, a Jew may only marry a Jew or someone converted to Judaism.
          Many people are willing to accept abstinence in terms of coitus, but relieve themselves with masturbation, pornography, or even intimacy that stops before coitus. We cannot praise or condemn because how can we praise something that is forbidden and that can lead to sin and perversion? However, how do we solve the problems relieved by these actions? To do so produces more guilt that intensifies the very pressures that produced the sins. The more guilt, the more sin.
          We come now to the next teaching of Rabbi Yehuda the Pious, in the above paragraph 380: "The Torah permits a wife for the husband; any time he wants, he may enjoy pleasure from her, lest he look at another woman." This lesson is a double teaching. On the one hand, a man may enjoy his wife and not feel guilty. On the other hand, we are not a culture of pleasure-seekers. We do this, to achieve materialistic ardor, but because we are afraid of the power of our Evil Inclination. Why we frequently engage in marital intimacy may not seem important; after all, we may do it. The attitude, however, makes a difference in us, and it makes a difference in our marriage and spirituality. There are those who begin marriage with the freedom to express themselves in intimacy without guilt, and go on to true fulfillment without problems. Others begin marriage with a load of guilt, and eventually, the repressed needs and wants may explode, and find perverse paths. Many are the people who began life eschewing fulfillment in marriage and ended in the sewer. I have dealt with them, and so have the police. Not everyone who seeks asceticism will do these terrible things, of course; many may truly succeed. In addition, not everyone who enters marriage smiling and free to engage their instincts is free from problems. However, it helps to be free from guilt. It helps to know that Rabbi Yehuda the Pious advises us to seek in intimacy a barrier to perversion and sin, because the perversion and sin is not that far away.
          However, once we open the spigot, when do we shut it? Do we simply devote our lives in the house to the pursuit of pleasure? Rabbi Yehuda the Pious continues by telling us that one who is wise and studies Torah can busy himself with the study of Torah. To some degree, this will push away the Evil Inclination. Thereupon, the person is not suffused with carnal desire, although he does invoke it in a timely manner. Thus, the Ben Torah should, according to a senior rabbi of the past generation, devote several nights a week, two or three, or even more if necessary, and placate his Evil Inclination completely, even while he conquers it at other times by devoting himself to Torah. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein adds that one who is busy working, even if he is not learning, or one who is busy learning can often escape the trap of the Evil Inclination. On the other hand, we cannot rely on this. We must decide how much we will set aside for intimacy, and devote the rest of our time to work and learning. When we are busy and thriving in life, our erotic feelings are healthy. When we are pressured, our erotic feelings do double duty, and pull us away from happiness into perversion. Our erogenous zones are passports to heaven or the other place, and a lot depends on how busy and fulfilled we are when we get there. When intimacy becomes a substitute for a job, for relief from debt, or when it becomes a relaxant for the constant anxieties of life, poisonous things develop. We must be a man and a woman to engage in intimacy. Woe to us if the intimacy is our only excuse for being a man or a woman. Such intimacy increases our sense of frustration and failure, and enhances the negative.
I have spoken to sick people, perverts, pedophiles, adulterers, etc. They are just like me. The only thing is that they didn't find what they needed, and biological and emotional drives are not easily denied. I once spoke to the son of the Brisker Rov, Reb Refoel zt"l, who was the leading "askon" (community worker) in Jerusalem. (I wish to add that although Reb Refoel was known for his community work, this was in the tradition of the great Jerusalem scholars who interrupted their serious Torah study to help the community. The Torah genius I imbibed from Reb Refoel impressed me as much as the practical wisdom I heard from him. In every single instance of my asking him a question, he always pointed to a text in a book or quoted an established custom, which is amazing.) When I suggested that perhaps the large number of pedophiles I had discovered was something new from America, he laughed, and showed me an ancient text to back up his derision. Perversion is and always has been right around the next bend.
          Someone told me that he was stunned when a married woman, a friend of the family, called him to come to her house. "Quick!' she said, "My husband is away." There was a time when I didn't believe these stories. That was a long time ago. Our community, and every community, has thriving adultery, homosexuality, pedophilia, pornography, and I hope not things that I never heard of. The Rambam says it at the end of the Laws of Yom Tov. On Yom Tov, guards must be posted to keep people from sinning. On Yom Tov! What about the rest of the year? The Talmud says that people sin on Yom Kippur! None of these are bad people, and are as pious as I am, but they had problems and were weak. May HaShem help them.
          We now come to an important point in our discussion, "Ezra's Enactment."

                    TAKONAS EZRA (Ezra's Enactment)

Ezra the Scribe was one of the very greatest Jewish leaders and rabbis. A prophet and High Priest, he led the Jews back to Israel roughly 2,500 years ago and founded the Second Temple Era. His story is part of the bible, the Book of Ezra. The Talmud says in tractate Brochose 3a that G-d wanted the Era of Ezra to manifest mighty miracles, such as were seen in the generation of Moshe (Moses), but people sinned and were not worthy of such open miracles.       Therefore, the Temple was built and the Jews gathered to Israel, but only with the permission of the Persian government, and much difficulty. Furthermore, the Second Temple was a shadow of the First Temple, and prophecy ceased, as well as the biblical era.
          What sin did people do to lose the opportunity offered them by Ezra? The Talmud does not bother to mention it, but the Book of Ezra tells us, as does the Zohar. The Jews who returned to Israel with Ezra married foreign or gentile wives. This is shocking, if we contemplate for a moment the historical situation of Ezra's generation. The Jews left Israel when the Babylonians destroyed the First Temple around 586 BCE. The prophets told the Jews that the Exile would be only seventy years, although how this was to be calculated was a bit obscure. During the Seventy Years Exile, mighty miracles bolstered the faith of the Jews. These were: Daniel in the lion's den, Daniel interpreting the dreams of Nebuchadnezzar, the heavenly hand writing on the wall during Belshatsar's feast and Daniel interpreting the writing as the prophecy of the fall of Babylon, which took place right afterwards, and perhaps most important, the miracle of Esther who saved the Jews from Haman, the wicked Persian Prime Minister. Threatened with slaughter, the Persian Jews repented and achieved a high spiritual level. The story of Esther took place right before Ezra's coming to Israel. The Jews therefore should have been remote from sin. Why did they marry foreign wives? If they were sinners, why did they not commit other sins?
The answer is that the Jews were not prepared to sin; indeed, they were pious people. Esther had seen to that. Furthermore, the Talmud teaches that the time of Ezra was to be one of mighty miracles, similar to the Exodus from Egypt. The Jews were probably on a very high level, and this could have been a problem. Spirituality does not always bring people to appreciate the need for marital intimacy. At any rate, we see that the men who returned to Israel were not satisfied with Jewish women. Ezra saw the problem, and enacted laws to make Jewish women attractive to their husband. However, he did not want to create an atmosphere removed from spirituality, so he moved in two seemingly opposite directions. On the one hand, he made a law that peddlers must travel around to Jewish homes selling perfume to Jewish women, to make them attractive to their husbands. He thus initiated a great interest in intimacy, something that could lead the Jews away from spirituality. Therefore, Ezra, to combat this, made what is known as TAKONAS EZRA, the Law of Ezra. A man can be with his wife as much as he wishes, but when he is with her, he must go to the MIKVEH, a ritualarium, or at least wash in a body of water, such as a large bathtub.
There is another reason why the Jewish men despised Jewish women and chose gentile ladies in the time of Ezra. The Persians ruled the Jews who returned from exile. The Talmud says that the Persians were fastidious people, and were careful to eat, drink and relate to their wives in a high level. They did not sink down to the level of other nations who ate and drank like gluttons. We know that Alexander the Great died while eating and drinking, and that Romans ate, vomited, and then ate some more. The Persians were not this way.
This affected the Jews living under the Persians. Indeed, Rabbi Yehuda the Pious tells us that the surrounding gentiles influence the Jews. If so, the Persian habits about marriage infected the Jewish people. One of the ideas of the Persians was that one does not sleep with his wife without clothes. The Talmud fought this, saying, "If a spouse says, 'Let us wear clothes,' this is cause for divorce, and is a custom of the Persians." Thus, the Jewish women, influenced by Persian ideas, did not interest their husbands as much as the pagan ladies in Israel, who had no Persian traditions. The Jewish men then rejected their wives and took strange women. As mentioned before, Ezra fought this by decreeing that women wear perfume and make themselves more attractive to their husbands. Ezra feared, however, that Jews might go in the opposite direction, in the way of the Greeks and Romans, and become voluptuaries. He therefore established the law of the MIKVEH or immersing after relations.
          TAKONAS EZRA did not say that a man could only be with his wife once or twice or three times a week. A man can be with wife without limit, but each time, he must wash himself. This informs the Jewish attitude towards intimacy. It is the greatest pleasure, and can bring a person into what in the gentile world is a culture of "sex," heaven forefend. On the other hand, one who tastes of this pleasure must not stay there, but rise back to spirituality by washing or bathing in a mikveh or large body of water.
          Ezra's law was so that "rabbinical scholars would not be near their wives like chickens." If this was the purpose, why not limit the times to engage in intimacy? Ezra was not opposed to intimacy, nor did he limit it. He only did not want "rabbinical scholars to be near their wives as chickens," which is how some cultures behave. Intimacy is done, but a person must then return to spirituality. Do as much as you like, whenever you like, but "not like a chicken." One who realizes the intent of Ezra limits himself in time and energy to what he needs to refrain from sin and what his wife and he need. He does not make a cult of it.
          As time went on, people could not put up with the problems of finding a body of water, and the rabbis finally declared that the "Law of Ezra" was not binding, although many pious people practice it. Indeed, the original intent of the law was to provide a Torah scholar with an escape from the pull of sensualism.    Thus, eventually, the pious practiced Ezra's Law but not the masses of Jews.
The idea of the "Law of Ezra" is our guide, even without bathing, to what intimacy is to the Jew. We do not behave as "chickens," but we accept that intimacy is a spiritual thing, and when done in a limited matter, according to the people's legitimate needs, it is spiritual. When done as "chickens" it turns people into animals.
          Note that Ezra's law was aimed at Torah scholars. He did not want "Torah scholars to be with their wives as chickens." Different people have different standards. Torah scholars have one standard, and other people have other standards. Ultimately, the effort of Ezra to require immersion after intimacy failed, and today most authorities do not require it. Even all Torah scholars could not take its burden, and therefore the law was negated for everyone, even though its edifying power remained for those who could and would practice it. However, the idea has remained. Ezra has taught us not to be "chickens." He has also indicated that there are different levels of people, and they have different standards. Torah scholars have a higher standard than others, and they must behave better than others.
          We must understand this, as it is crucial for an appreciation of the process of halacha, or Jewish law, and certainly as it applies to marriage. The Shulchan Aruch HaRav, the Code of Laws of the Rabbi, is one of the great classics in halacha, Jewish Law. The "Rabbi" in this case was the rabbi of the new Chassidic movement, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Lithuania. Known by his peers in the Chassidic school of the Preacher from Mezeretz as the "rabbi" for his keen perception of the revealed Law, Reb Shneur Zalman wrote a Code of Laws that has been accepted as a major classic by all Jews. The great halacha classic of modern times, Mishneh Beruro, written by Rabbi Yisroel Mayer Kagan of Radin, Poland, relies heavily upon this work. Rabbi Kagan confers a rare title, "Gaon" (senior eminence) upon Reb Shneur Zalman when he quotes him.
A major goal of the Code of Reb Shneur Zalman was to reconcile the Revealed and Hidden Law as they pertain to halacha, or Jewish law. Unfortunately, he only began this task, and as his enormous success as a rebbe and Jewish leader encroached upon his time for writing, he had to surrender to realities and limit his scope after the beginning of the Code. However, in the beginning of the Code, we find him reconciling the Revealed and Hidden Law, and the principles stated there are guides for us in other areas, as well.
          The Law in question is about rising in the morning and washing the hands, a procedure known as NEGEL VASSER, or "water for the knuckles" in its literal translation. The water is supposed to cover the knuckles, at least. Here is a great problem. The Talmud lists the order of blessings a person makes upon rising. The person does many things and finally washes the hands and makes a blessing. The Zohar, on the other hand, requires us to wash immediately upon rising, and proscribes in severe terms walking four cubits without washing. The Talmud clearly permits this. What do we do about this obvious contradiction?
In chapter one paragraph 7 of his Code, Reb Schneur Zalman explains that there are different levels of halacha for different people. Washing one's hands is a sign of cleanliness and holiness. To walk without washing, for a Torah scholar, for a person involved in holiness, is a serious sin. For plain people, it is nothing. Therefore, says Reb Shneur Zalman, the Talmud permits us to walk without washing, and we get dressed and do other things without washing. On the other hand, the Zohar, written for the exceedingly pious and holy people, condemns the person who walks four cubits with dirty hands, as this is a violation of true holiness. Reb Schneur Zalman then writes that anyone who has no water and wakes in the middle of the night must learn Torah because this is the opinion of the Talmud and the Codifiers, even though the Zohar considers him impure and unable to study Torah.
          We see two things, both of them central to our understanding of halacha. One, the Zohar was written for elevated people, and such people have a higher standard than others. Two, even higher people who generally follow the stringencies of the Zohar may not violate a clear law in the Talmud. The Zohar says not to learn but one must learn. The same is true about intimacy. One may be stringent and follow various higher practices only if by so doing he does not violate a law of the Revealed Law and Talmud.
          There may be many books written for truly elevated people, the saints and the scholars of early generations, about the extreme modesty appropriate for intimacy. These apply to those worthy of this standard, but not for others. Furthermore, even elevated people may not eschew obligations placed upon them by the Talmud and the Codifiers because they saw something in a book for supremely spiritual people.
          A young man once came to a senior rabbi of the past generation. He wanted to learn about the laws and customs of getting married. He asked the senior rabbi, a scion of a great Hassidic rabbinic dynasty, about some holy books he had read, telling people to engage in ascetic practices during intimacy. The rabbi replied, "I don't read those books." Whether the rabbi did or not, he did not want everyone to engage in those practices. Each person must know how appropriate any level of asceticism is. Never, however, may one cross the line and do something forbidden by the Talmud and Codifiers, even if he finds it in some book for the supremely pious. Those supremely pious people knew how to satisfy their wives despite their asceticism, but not everyone can. Those supremely pious people had wives who wanted ascetic people, but not every wife wants this. Today, those who attempt asceticism cause grief of the worst suffering and perversion. The worst child molester in the history of America's Jewish community was someone who practiced asceticism. He was not the only problem from that element.
          Years ago, I worked in the city, and had to leave New York late, sometimes eight or nine o'clock. I noticed swarms of people going to the movies in Time's Square, and could not help noticing the dress of some of them, who could be my neighbors. A young man who fell between the cracks told me that he was once in that area looking for sin and he found there one of his Yeshiva teachers, who seemed quite experienced at this type of thing. I don't believe it, but I surely don't deny it. Anyone who thinks that praying, learning and wearing certain clothes drives away the Evil Inclination is badly mistaken.

The Code of Laws - Two Views

If we look into the Code of Laws, Shulchan Aruch, we see a contradiction in the laws of intimacy. However, the problem is not the doing of the author of the Code of Laws, Rabbi Joseph Caro. The contrariety is found in the teaching of Rambam, Maimonides and in the Talmud. One place says that we emphasize spirituality in intimacy, and the other says we may do what we please. Until we resolve this, we cannot proceed in understanding the Laws of sexuality and intimacy.
          One place says, "Whatever you want to do with your wife you may do. Kiss her everywhere." Another place prohibits kissing the vaginal area. A solution is taught in Semak, a work of the medieval scholar Reb Yitschok of Kurbil. In paragraph 285, he says that one has an obligation to gladden his wife's heart, and may not refuse her conjugal needs. He then concludes that one who looks at or kisses the vaginal area and who has anal coitus has not sinned, but may damage the level of the child. The question is: why should the child be damaged if it is permitted? Here we have a principal, that some people have a true need to do these things, and if they don't, they will not satisfy their inclinations, and may come to terrible sin. Such people have no problem doing these things, and their children will be fine. However, people may damage their offspring if they don't have a genuine need for these familiarities, but do them for the perverse pleasures they provide.
          These questions come up with people who lived as hippies and now are religious, or they come up with people with strong passions, or people who genuinely feel the need to do these things. Even so, if we permit these things, we advise the person to minimize them if possible.
          Our study of the Law of Ezra prepares us for the inconsistency. A person who marries must fulfill the verse, "And he shall make glad the wife that he took." We want happiness and fulfillment in marriage, and a healthy and appropriate intimacy. On the other hand, we don't want the cult of sensuality, so prevalent in the world. Why don't we want the cult of sensuality? Is pleasure evil?
The spiritual pleasures of life are limitless, but the materialistic pleasures of life can only be enjoyed in proper measures. Alexander the Great conquered the world from Greece to India; he led his troops into battles but somehow escaped death. However, he died young from excessive eating and drinking. The Romans used to eat and drink to excess. When the stomach could hold no more, they went to a vomitorium, regurgitated their food, and with a now empty belly, gorged some more. Jews have no "pleasures" such as these.
          One who drinks too much damages the liver and much else. One who eats too much damages the heart and other parts of the body. One who overindulges in any pleasure damages the body. This is true in overdoing sexuality. Those who pursue pleasures of this nature are prone to many terrible diseases. Furthermore, the pleasures, when they become compulsive, destroy one's life. The Dean of the Harvard Divinity School recently resigned because of what was on his computer. Many decent people became menaces to children, even murderers, from reading magazines. There is an entire scientific literature on the illnesses associated with porn, that is, the visual pleasure of sexuality. Those who are addicted to it are slaves to degeneracy, and their misery cannot be assuaged by any pleasure.
          There is, however, a very practical reason that we must not become sensualists and voluptuaries regarding marital matters. We all get older. The older we get, the less attractive we are. In the secular culture, a woman in her forties knows that she is in big trouble. Her husband is constantly stimulated by television, movies and who knows what else, and he compares this to that, and finally, despises his wife. Someone who was a devoted and loving husband once came to a rabbi and asked to divorce his wife. The rabbi was shocked, and the man explained: "Rabbi, I just bought a television. My wife compared to those women is a monkey." Of course, the wife, too, when exposed to great physical beauty in men, especially younger ones, can lose her desire for her older husband. To prevent this, we eschew the culture of hedonism. We know that sensualism leads to hedonism and eventually to degeneracy. Let us study this last statement.
          All physical pleasures must be regulated and limited. If not, the body turns to these pleasures on a regular basis, and the person becomes compulsive and addicted. A person is filled with anxieties of all types; pain and threats are part of life. When one is used to taking material pleasures in excess, the body builds up a reliance on these pleasures to sooth anxieties and stress. In some people, drinking becomes compulsive and addictive. In others, eating drives them to obesity with its accoutrement of health problems. Sexuality is an enormous pleasure, and if not regulated, becomes a power of its own, dominating the person to relieve his anxieties and stresses with constant sexual experiences.
          In these three examples, drinking, eating and sex, and of course, in drugs, the body loses its sensitivity slowly but surely and requires more and more doses of the stimulant to find relief. In intimacy, this brings a person crashing down into the gutters of degeneracy. Therefore, the Torah commands us to eat, drink, and be happy in our family life, but everything must be done in proper proportion. We control our eating; the eating does not control us; at least, we hope it doesn't.
          There are two types of eating. One eater stuffs his food. He eats quickly, gorging and stuffing. Another person eats slowly, savoring each morsel. Who enjoys the experience more? Natural eating is done slowly, and the taste buds eagerly embrace each bite. Compulsive eating is done quickly, and the taste buds are so battered with sugar and other powerful stimulants that they barely taste what they are eating. The natural eater finishes and is fully satisfied. He has no need or interest to eat more, even if you show him the most delicious desert. The compulsive eater is never finished eating. His stomach is on the ropes, but he is back at the plate.
          Several decades ago, a study in Scientific American showed that there were no Orthodox Jewish alcoholics. Today, this is no longer true, but there was a time when Orthodox Jews knew how to live. The article said that Orthodox Jews drank wine and whiskey at joyous occasions and holidays, but never became addicted to it. When we eat properly, we don't miss eating more. When we drink properly, we don't need to become drunkards. When we live in family with a proper perspective, keeping things within bounds and not falling into the endless pit, we can have true pleasure, happiness that is not available to the degenerate whose weakened body can barely survive its compulsions.
          We now come to the contradiction in the Code of Laws we mentioned earlier. In once section, we are told, "A man may do anything he wants with his wife." In another section, we are told, "Don't do this, and don't do that." We are, at this point, interested in the general thrust of the opposing viewpoints, rather than the particulars. The answer is, as you may have guessed, that legally, a man may do what he wants with his wife. We tell him this, as Rabbi Yehuda the Pious explains, because otherwise, the man will seek to do forbidden things with other women. We cannot ignore the power of our sexual instincts. We must have a healthy respect for them and give them their due.
          On the other hand, once we have allowed the man to do what he wants to do, we say to him, "Do you want to be, heaven forefend, a sensualist?" Let us try to prepare the table in a civilized way. If people can satisfy themselves in a more dignified matter, fine. If they can't, they must "do whatever they want to do." If not, they will do sinful things.
          If you are used to eating the wrong foods, and come into a health food store, you may be disappointed. You have no idea what the joy of eating soybeans and brown health bread is. Your tongue wants only sodas laced with colas that are derivatives of drug plants. Your palate demands sugar, something that wrecks the natural cycle of the body. If you look in the mirror and see yourself, you may make a face, the same face you made when you saw Mr. Healthy eating his small portion of health food. Mr. Healthy, however, full of vigor, is not envious at all of your chocolate cakes, sodas and candies. "Phooey," he would say. He looks at his plate and smiles, and he looks in the mirror and smiles.
          The same is true of marriage and intimacy. People who achieve a proper human relationship are eating health food. They don't need sugar and colas made from codeine plants. Someone who has no idea of the pleasure of natural love can doubt the way of the natural family, but the natural family has no need of the shock treatments needed by those whose mechanism is sick and injured by unhealthy habits. Therefore, our efforts must be to find the natural family. We must ignore the contrarious sugarcoating and the inimical transitory processes. Our energy rises when we eat sugar but then it collapses.
          The secular world is sick and needs sexual stimuli. That is why the majority of available Americans do not marry at all. Half of first marriages end in divorce. Up to eighty percent of sexual partners claim that things don't go well. If people eat normally, nature pays them handsomely. If people eat abnormally, nature rebels. We must, of course, expand upon the theme of "natural family." For now, however, we must continue with our trajectory, of studying the successful natural level of intimacy as it is supported by abstinence. We now present the concept of MIKVAH and the menstrual cycle, and how separation keeps a marriage alive.

The Laws of MIKVA

According to Jewish law, a woman is forbidden to her husband during her menstrual cycle. This forced abstinence is crucial in the life of the marriage, and its success. Familiarity breeds contempt, but a husband who lacks his needs for a period becomes much more focused and civil. Just as the Zohar says, "From the darkness we recognize light," so we only appreciate our spouses when we are forced into abstinence, at least for a time.
          The Laws of Nida, or Menstruation, have various levels. There is first the Torah level. A woman who has a vaginal discharge of blood is a Nida. For a week, she may not be with her husband. Even if she bleeds the whole week, afterwards she goes to the MIKVAH, immerses herself and is pure.
          Most women have regular cycles, that is, regular to some degree. At some time during the month, she will discharge. For example, a woman may see her period the first week of each month. Let us say that she bled the first day of the month. For seven days, she is forbidden. However, even if she bled all seven days, afterwards, she immerses herself and is clean.
          If, however, the woman saw blood, not in the part of the month she is used to seeing discharges, but after that week, she is now in a stricter category called ZOVO. If she sees several times in the ZOVO period, she becomes a ZOVO. Now, she must wait until she ceases the discharge and counts seven clean days. Then she immerses in the MIKVEH and is clean.
          These are Torah rulings. As is known, the rabbis made "fences" and protective rulings that are more stringent than the Torah. The interesting thing about the laws of NIDA and ZOVO is that the women themselves made the stringency. They decided that even seeing a drop of blood anytime made someone a ZOVO. The rabbis accepted this.
          The women seemed to have realized how important for their happiness abstinence is. They realized how precious their purity was, and wanted no confusion about it. Throughout the generations, women have gone through great sacrifice to keep these laws, as they regulate the holiness of the souls of the children of Israel. During Communism, some women walked through terrifying forests to find a pool to dip in, and came back home to the sounds of bears, wolves and wild boars. Some people have terrible problems with keeping the Laws of Nida and Zovo; they are not the first, and will not be the last. However, those who keep the laws find a renewed vigor in their relationship.
          The woman's return from the MIKVA or ritualarium is a renewal, and is like a new marriage. The moon starts as a tiny sliver on the New Moon and gradually waxes into the Full Moon, in the middle of the month, and then declines. When the moon disappears, we wait for a tiny sliver that announces the next New Moon. A woman is like the moon, as they both harbor the Shechinah, or Divine Presence. There are times when the woman is prepared to produce life, and times when she is not. There are times when intimacy produces the Union of the Holy Letters of the Divine Name, and there are times when intimacy produces the fumes of Evil.
          The Laws of Mikva introduce us to the dichotomous process of marriage. On the one hand, marriage is union, but this union is sustained by separation. The Torah has the proper process. A secular therapist once told an Orthodox couple: "You keep your separation periods." Secular therapists try to invent one for everyone, but it can't work without the religious angle.
          A woman returns from the MIKVA utterly spiritual, and yet ready for sensuality. This, too, is a dichotomous matter, and shows how the Torah unites disparate thing to make a whole world. MIKVA shows us that marriage is a hallowed thing.
          Rabbi Yehuda the Pious tells us of Rabbi Eliezar the Great, who merited beautiful children. The rabbis asked his wife how this was. She replied that he only slept with her in the middle of the night, when the two of them could not hear the voices of other people. They were concerned that if he would hear a woman he might think about her during coitus, and if she would hear a man she might think of him, and the result would be to ruin their children. On the level of the great saints of Israel, for a spouse to desire someone else during intercourse produced a child of such a low nature almost to be a bastard. "And your desire shall be to your husband," the bible says. "This mean not to desire another man," says Rabbi Yehuda the Pious. (Sefer Chassidim 1115)
A man who mixes easily with women, and a woman who mixes easily with men can find it difficult to have desire only to their spouse. America is falling apart because there are no barriers between men and women. Sexual attraction cannot be denied, and the scars of deep feelings may never go away. Puberty is a time when boys and girls begin to relate in ways they cannot control. High school and certainly colleges completely tear down the barriers between men and women, so that by the time marriage comes around, the man and woman are thoroughly experienced and not all of the experiences are helpful for marriage. The scars are not helpful, and the good times simply make for comparisons that very few people can withstand, especially as time blurs the realities and fantasy enters.
          Marriage is a very delicate and tender thing. It cannot be buffeted by jealousy and comparison. There cannot even be the opportunity to be unfaithful. Opportunity beckons until something happens. The mere threat of the opportunity stresses the relationship.
          The Laws of Mikvah apply even to unmarried women. That is, one who sins with an unmarried woman does a greater sin if she has not gone to the Mikveh. I mention this because it is important, but for another, more practical reason. Today, we have many young people who are not married, who are busy with college and careers. Many do not marry until the thirties. It is very hard to control yourself in the years of biological fullness without marriage. On the other hand, the laws of MIKVAH are very important, and even people who don't mind unmarried relations don't want to do it as NIDOS, or menstruating women.      Therefore, an evil custom has come about in some quarters, whereby older men and women who are too busy to marry, or who did not find the right mate, make a heinous arrangement. The woman goes to MIKVAH, and the male sleeps with her, without marriage. Rabbis in New York City, where these things take place, have warned these women that they risk being considered "married" if they live with another man, although not every rabbi would consider this kind of free prostitution marriage. Thus, from the evil of pre-marital sex, comes the problem of mamzerut, bastardy, heaven forefend.
          Rather than complain about the people who do this, we must complain about a system whereby people live as religious people without marriage so late in life. This is a very painful topic, and as a father who married seven children, I wish to express myself in strong terms, even though I am speaking to people whose pain is greater than I can understand. Our population of unmarried people is a disaster. There is something fundamentally wrong if we can come to such a situation.
         The first culprits are the parents. Why did the parent allow the child to miss the boat? Did the parent really work hard to find a mate? Fortunately, I married my children, albeit with much distress and difficulty. People laughed at me when they saw the extent that I embarrassed myself to find a mate for my children. They didn't laugh, however, when they came to the wedding. The "cool" parents aren't cool when the children age in the house, and don't leave. Parents! You must run scared when your child comes of age. Get to work. Don't be ashamed. There are worse problems.
          I began talking about marriage with my children years before they were marriageable. I wanted them to listen when they cared for what I had to say, and not afterwards. They were programmed to leave, and were they happy. There are parents who are so disinterested or so inactive in these areas, that they get a phone call and the child says, "Dad, I'm engaged," and the parents don't know what hit them. The first thought is, "You couldn't talk to me first?" Why? Did the father ever show that he cared?
         If only we had Torah and natural family life, we would spare our children so many problems. We now turn to the natural Torah family.

                            The Natural Torah Family

Ideally, the public person and the intimate person are the same. Intimacy, in the proper setting, merely reveals and crowns the small talk, the meals, the planning, the problems dealt with, by the couple. Our brain stores carefully every word, gesture, and nuance of our lives. Words, gestures and nuances between spouses are clearly and powerfully impressed in their amygdala. These etched words, gestures, and nuances accompany the couple into private domains. Our hope is that every step, or, almost every step taken outside of the inner sanctum of the home, prepares the couple for the inner sanctum. The inner sanctum can be quite a scary place.
          In the inner sanctum, there are no distractions. We are dealing with the other, whether we are prepared or not. There are no tricks to obfuscate the embarrassment, emptiness and the paucity of our relationship. Indeed, the entire idea of giving ourselves over to another is quite a chore. If we are used to it in the mundane things in the home, it follows naturally that we give of ourselves, and readily accept the other spouse's giving, in the bedroom. If, however, we don't give before private times, we can't start then under the duress of deep emotions. For this reason, intimacy is an endangered species in the world today, and has been for the past century.
          One option is to mate with fantasies; thus, two people come together by pretending. Without fantasies, we are stuck with realities. Can we tolerate them? Are they facts and fundamentals appropriate for what we are doing, or are they diametrically opposed? If we live by giving, we can come to privacy and give, and when we give properly, we take more than we can imagine. If we live by taking, there is nothing to take in intimacy except brutality. We can give that and we will take it.
          The fifty percent divorce rate, the majority of Americans who refuse to marry, the reluctance of young men for "commitment," not to mention the problems of children raised in our modern environment call out to us: There is something wrong. What is it? Or rather, what are the problems? It is unlikely that just one thing can destroy the pillar of society.
          Interestingly, we live in a time of increased obesity. Years ago, obesity was linked to heart disease, and diets appeared everywhere. After a decade of this, people are fatter than ever. The same is true of marriage. The decline of marriage is not new; people have studied its dreaded statistics for many years, but after all that, things are worse than ever. Even in the Bible belt, divorce is about fifty percent. There is just something terribly wrong, and nobody has found out what it is, or is keeping it secret. Is that possible?
          "G-d created man upright, and they pursued many calculations." There is such a thing as "natural man" and "natural woman" and "natural family." However, "and they pursued many calculations." The modern world has toyed with nature and torn the fabric of natural man, woman and children. Family cannot function with torn pieces. How do we correct this? First, we must know the problem. Just how has society ruined men, women and children, and of course, family?
          A biblical family has a man earning, a woman raising the children, and children loved and nurtured. We begin with a "man earning." There is possibly no more important function for the man than earning. The Talmud says, "Greater is one who earns from the toil of his hands than the G-d fearing." This says a lot. What can be greater than fear of G-d? The Talmud says clearly that the world was created for the G-d fearing, and that it is the main ingredient in piety. Can the laborer be superior to the truly pious?
          Obviously, we deal here with the level of Derech Erets, or "Way of the World." The first teaching of Elijah the Prophet's Yeshiva is, "Derech Erets (The Way of the World) precedes the Torah." What does this mean? It means that our humane potential is revealed when we study Torah or pray. However, the toil of our hands, and the way we act in mundane doings is Derech Erets, which molds and reveals us in a way that Torah does not. Why is this?
          Torah enlightens our soul, but our soul wants more. It wants our deepest essence, our true self. We can lack the humane essence even as we study Torah and pray. Only in Derech Erets do we reach a point where we cannot function without this perfection. When we practice Derech Erets properly, our being is perfectly meshed with its purpose. By digging a ditch, cleaning clothes, and shoeing a horse, our toil and humane function achieve a revelation that, if done with the proper attitude, reveal G-d in a way that Torah cannot. This idea is close to the teachings of Hassiduse. This is one idea, but there is another, taught by Lurian Cabala.
          Lurian Cabala teaches that we cannot approach Torah unless we become "people." We become "people" through other means. What are they? We become "people" by mundane pursuits, honesty and decency, and only then, with the power of Derech Erets, do we approach Torah. Therefore, "Derech Erets comes before Torah." Without Derech Erets, we cannot be human, and thus cannot have Torah.
          For us to have Torah, or marriage, we must be "people," and we must have Derech Erets. In modern times, the rushing river of life washes us downstream before we can become people. Why is this?
          The biblical bliss is someone toiling under his vineyard. He owns the land, he works with his hands, and he earns enough to meet his needs. A child can learn something by helping out on the farm, and the child knows that by so doing he prepares for maturity when he will have a farm, perhaps this very one. Thus, a man has a farm, his children help him, and he feeds everyone. The wife helps also, but she is free from the main responsibility to support the home. She is therefore able to devote her energies to the children. The children grow up secure with a mother available constantly to provide for their welfare. Everyone has a role, and everyone feels fulfilled. Now, let us look at a modern family.
The father, a competent computer programmer, has just been laid off his job of twenty years, because a global company bought his company and downsized. The father knows that in five years, he will be fifty, and then, no company will want him. There is a mortgage to pay on the house, the car is not paid for, and health insurance went out with the job. The father runs around here and there, and is considering taking up selling insurance. He does not know if he has the energy to start a new career, especially in sales. He was never so great dealing with people, anyway.
          The mother is worried about the money, and so she works, even though she has difficulty working and raising children. The children go to school and come home to two worried and exhausted parents. The parents have so many problems that the children try their best to take care of themselves.
          Let's take the father and mother into intimacy. What can happen? Is there a man there, or a broken something? Is there a woman, or a worried something? Is anyone thinking about bringing more children into the world, into such a world? The children can sense what is happening, even if nobody tells them.
          Women work today because over the past decades real wages have only crept up whereas consumption has doubled. For people with small families, consumption is another car, a trailer, a fancy stereo system, a swimming pool, a vacation, or living good at restaurants and buying good clothes. For Orthodox Jews with large family, consumption means feeding the children, sending them to parochial schools, and supporting them in the early stages of their marriage. The financial situation has destroyed the natural family. Is there a solution?
If the problem is financial, the solution must be financial. What does this mean in practical terms?
          One thing it means is that we must address the problem of earning as the Talmud did. The Talmud required children to study every day for long hours. On the other hand, the Talmud made special enactments for minors to engage in business. Legally, a minor cannot make a transaction. If so, a child cannot do business. The rabbis, however, wanted children to start doing business. Just as a child must be raised from earliest years to study the Law and pray, so a child must be raised from earliest years to earn. Of course, a child spends very little time in business, because he is in school. However, that little bit of time, doing a deal, buying, bartering, borrowing, lending, allows a child to learn about the world and business.
          When my son was little, he sold a bike, worth about ten dollars, to someone for five dollars. He realized that he was gypped and was sad, but I rejoiced. "Better for you to learn about cheating when you are little," I said, "than when you are older." I know people who started in business after they had a few children. They borrow five thousand dollars from their father, ten thousand dollars from their father-in-law, and lose their shirt. For the rest of their lives, they will be lucky to pay back what they borrowed, and very lucky if they ever make it in business.
          Business is very complex, and there are many aspects to it. We have to learn that people are liars, or naïve, or mistaken, and many other things. If we start very young, in a few years, we get the hang of it. By the time we are married, we have a few dollars to sit on. We "build a house and then marry," rather than "marry and then try to build a house with no money." Rambam tells us the difference between these two is the difference between blessing and curse.
          The style today is to study, study, study without any training or business experience, marry and then to flop around here and there. Working for someone else is a form of slavery. In today's market, the global companies will just suck the juice of each person and dump him or her. Whenever you work for somebody, they are going to try to use you out. You will resent it, and this may lead to you losing your job. Only a slave can work for somebody else, or somebody who doesn't mind ulcers. We must begin business careers very early, and preferably, the father should have a business that he teaches to his son.
          The previous notions that a good education will get you somewhere in life is only partially true. Doctors are constantly being squeezed with huge insurance payments and pressures from HMOs. A plumber can make more than a doctor with fewer expenses. However, we are proud. We prefer the title rather than the money and the peace of mind. A good plumber, who learns the trade young, can go from house plumbing to construction plumbing to industrial plumbing to hiring others. It takes years to gain the experience and licensing, but if you start young, you have a chance. The problems are when we raise a child to be a generalist, which means to be a nothing.
          Even a person who really wants to be a doctor, lawyer, teacher or something that means working for others should have a part-time business. You never know.
          Let us trace two people, one who did as Maimonides suggests, and another who does as people do today. We will call them "old" and "new." Old goes to school, but as a child, perhaps six or seven, he begins to buy and sell small things, perhaps flowers to sell to people for Shabbos, or candies for holidays. In the time that other children, such as in our culture, devote to movies, he becomes adept as buying and selling. Old is not the best student, and he's not the brightest, just average. Therefore, school can be intimidating. However, Old knows that he has money and abilities in business. Even when he falls behind the bright fellows in school, Old is still smiling. Life goes on. He knows that he can make it, bright or not.
          New, on the other hand, goes to a modern school, where he is taught in a competitive environment, and New is not so capable. He tries, but the other fellows get it faster than he does. Slowly, New loses confidence. He begins to despair of studying. He still goes through the motions, and manages somehow to avoid failing, but his heart is heavy. He wonders how he will get through life if he is not as smart as some of the other kids. He is terrified of leaving home, because he has no confidence in himself. Why should he? He can't earn, he can't really learn. He is, in his eyes, worthless.
          As Old and New get older, they realize that it is getting time to leave home. Old is not afraid. He started selling at the age of six, and by the age of nine has regular customers. The peak seasons were good, but as time went on, he found what to sell and how to sell during the whole year. For years, he made small money. However, as he got older, he found some very cheap merchandise for sale. Somebody wanted to dump exactly what he wanted to sell, but the seller needed a lot of cash, quickly. Old went to a wealthy customer and explained the situation. The customer offered Old a deal. He would advance the money and Old would sell. They would split the profits. Old, barely in his teens, now had a backer and a partner. Old continued his studies, but here and there, he bought and sold, and he could get financing. Sometimes people lent him money, because they trusted him, and sometimes they insisted on being partners. Old found out about partners the hard way, but he was young, and his losses were golden experiences.
          New approached his teen years with trepidation. Study, study, study, and for what? He had no idea where he was going, and how he could leave his parents. The anxieties increased, and New began to eat sweets to assuage his emotional pains. He didn't look very nice, and this made him feel even worse. New began to fear that life held little for him. He was without a trade, no prospects, and physically unattractive. As the years went by, his stress and pain increased.
          Old was a young man, and from far and near people chased him with matches. His business thrived, and he bought a beautiful home. Not far away, Old had a business. He had many employees, and a capable manager. Old was able to devote much of his time to planning larger projects, to travel and to do what he wanted with his life. He found a wonderful wife, and with confidence and assurance, Old began his family.
          New came of age, with nothing but some average studies. He tried to find a mate, but his record and resources did not recommend him. Eventually, New found a girl who would marry him. He had no money, so he married poor, and struggled with various jobs to support his growing family. If he had stress earlier in life, it was nothing to what he had now. His wife couldn't take the strain, and she argued with him. He was helpless, and was furious at the pain she caused him. Therefore, we cannot say that they lived happily ever after. We can say, however, that New finally realized that his children would not be raised as he was. He insisted that his children learn about business from their earliest years, as specified in the Talmud.
          The Book of Proverbs is the quintessential Torah work on rebuke and spirituality. It concludes with the famous ode to the Woman of Valor. Who is she? Does she fast all week? Does she go around raising charity for the poor? Does she raise her children properly? Is she a good wife? Solomon tells us about her businesses. She takes wool and linen and fashions various garments. She is involved in import and export. She buys a field and plants it. She manufactures sheets, cloaks and various clothing. Who is this wondrous creature, and how does she manage? One thing we can readily accept: she does not work for another person. Only a person on their own time can have so many businesses.
          She begins small, by hand-making woolen and linen garments. She does such a good job, that people want to buy her goods, but how much can she hand-produce? Therefore, she begins to purchase from elsewhere, and from this, she eventually learns import and export. At this point, she is not limited to clothing, but she finds goods that people need, and goods that people will buy, and deals with the ships that sale the seas. She is not, however, enamored of relying on such far-flung income, so she buys a field near her home and plants it. The field produces grapes and she has another business. Of course, she may appoint a manager to do the work of the field, and she may have people working for her in other areas. However, one who has a business has freedom to go here and there. Money can do wonderful things.
          The ode concludes with the family praising the wife and mother who built a home from businesses, a home without worry and stress, a home that produced wholesome children who did not live with parental anxiety robbing them of their childhood.
          Reb Yaacov Kaminetsky was upset with our society in that it trained a person to study and not to earn, and when we marry and need money, we go to Social Services and get this program or that program. This, said Reb Yaacov, robs a man of self-respect, and is deleterious to marriage.
          Reb Yaacov said working does something for a person. It molds him and makes him proud of himself. "Greater is he who earns by the toil of his hands than the G-d fearing." Working naturally develops a person's manliness, and makes him humane and kind. One who does not work, and does not feel the natural strength flowing from a proper job, does not feel humane and kind. He becomes a grabber, taking what he can, wherever he can get it.
         Reb Yaacov once said that being a stockbroker is like a gambler. The Talmud says that people who earned their living by gambling are unfit to testify in court. Of course, Reb Yaacov didn't mean that a stockbroker is a regular gambler, but he wanted to express his displeasure that we have to work at jobs of chance, rather than a job that produces income as we work, such as plumbing or business. We must teach our children enough about business to enable them to build a house and then to marry, and to prosper, rather than live a life of doubt and anxiety.

                                     Good and Bad

The Talmud mentions that the son of Rav Yehuda asked his father to explain the passage, "He found a woman, he found good." Rav Yehuda said, "This is your mother." The son asked, "And what does the passage mean when it says, 'An evil woman is worse than death?'" Rav Yehuda replied, "Your mother." How can this be? The Talmud explains that she had moods. When she was in a bad mood, she would tear her husband apart. When she was in a good mood, she was a perfect wife. We see from this that a person is really two people. We have moods; we have our times. Recently, a prominent marital expert said that husbands regularly "go into a cave," and the wife better not follow him. We have moods. How can two people live together if they take turns going into caves or turning mean? This is a great challenge to marriage.
We mentioned that the woman is like the moon, and the moon has cycles. At times, the moon disappears, and then it appears, only a sliver, and builds up each night until mid-month when we have a Full Moon. It is the same moon, but we see it in different states every night. The same is true of a woman, and even a man has his moods. He is in and out of the cave. He is also affected by the pleasures and pain of the business world and his social life. There are a lot of rockets flying and ricocheting around the house. How can marriage survive?
Marriage has two phases. One, when the wife is at Full Moon and the man is far away from his cave. The other phase is when the wife is barely visible and the man is hiding. Just as there is a marriage and a polar process for two happy people, two people who want to see and talk to each other, so there is a polar process for two people racing from each other. The relationship is hidden, but it is still there. Inside of the cave, the husband is still married. Hidden by the darkness of her mood, the wife is still married. This is the Exile level of marriage.
Just as the Jewish people have a relationship with the Divine Presence in both Revealed and Hidden dimensions, in Israel and in exile, so do married couples have a relationship in their revealed and hidden modes. And just as the Exile dimension reveals the dormant and secret parts of our soul, so in marriage when we have problems we rise to deeper and transcendent levels in our relationship.
Marriage takes two separate people and merges them. The man and wife morph into the Talmudic "one body" and become a new essence. Even on days when the husband is in the cave and the wife is in a mood, it is one unit. Furthermore, the central unit of the marriage that transcends the individual husband and wife processes these dark times. As long as people think in terms of being one, stress and strife can build and not destroy. If, however, the couples begin to think as individuals, and lose the feel of being "one body," even the good days are not true marriage, and the cave and the bad mood can destroy and not build.
          The true human marriage is not just two people. Two people are two processes whose supernal sources are higher than the heavens, in the Unity of the Holy Name, and even beyond. We cannot really know what marriage is, but we can do the practical things the rabbis have taught us. Step by step, we become aware of new dimensions, and are surprised by them and ourselves

D. Eidensohn's poem "The Wall" won an International Poetry Contest. His poems appear in
"The Best Poems of the Twentieth Century"

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