Torah Teachings about Intimacy
Intimacy is a Torah requirement. Therefore, the husband must make his wife happy, and the wife must make the husband happy, just as if they were preparing for any other mitsvah, such as Shabbos or Yom Tov. Indeed, in terms of holiness, zivug or togetherness is a mighty Kabbalistic experience, uniting the Holy Letters of G-d's Name.
It is a great sin for either husband or wife to neglect the needs of the other. It is also important for the two spouses to maintain their appearances to be attractive. Speaking attractively and asking attractively, of course, is paramount.
The husband has a Torah obligation to make his wife happy with intimacy. One who refuses is a sinner, just as one who does not put on tephilin or who does not wear tsitsis. However, he is worse, because while one can repent for not wearing tephilin or tsitsis, one cannot repent for paining his wife, because sins between man and his fellow cannot be atoned for by penitence, only by the forgiveness of the offended party.
One who does not sleep with his wife, even if refusing for ascetic reasons, is an abuser of his wife. Abuse of neglect is also abuse, and sexual neglect is one of the worst levels of abuse. The rabbis tell us that to today a woman her sexual needs is INIU, or a serious affliction.
Rabbi Yehuda the Chosid, one of the greatest Talmudists and Kabbalists, tells us that there is a special punishment meted out for those who afflict and abuse people even by doing nothing. If we abuse our pets or animals this is true, and surely, if we abuse our wives.
Furthermore, even if a wife avoids a fight with her husband by freeing him of his obligations to her, they are still binding. Any negation of rights done in an insincere or forced manner are invalid. We can assume that almost any woman who relinquishes her sexual needs is probably doing this out of fear of provoking her husband, and is invalid.
If a husband antagonizes his wife and makes her hate him and refuse to be with him, he is punished for two things: antagonizing her, and for denying her her needs.
A woman who suffers from lack of attention from a husband may become bitter and take it out on the children. She surely cannot be as happy as she should be. In that case, the husband is punished for every pain the children have as a result. The wife can forgive, if she so chooses from the depth of her heart. Children, however, cannot forgive, as the Talmud says, "children cannot forgive" as only a mature person can do this.
If the pain of the wife causes her to cry, the tears rend the heavens and bring curse on the husband. The rabbis tell us that nothing holds back tears from rising to the Throne of Heaven and demanding punishment for the one who causes it.
If, as a result of the refusal of the husband to cherish his wife she complains and the husband leaves her, or divorces her, he will receive a terrible punishment for causing pain to a fellow person. Such pain, the ruining of a marriage, is perhaps the worst pain a person can inflict, and the punishment is commensurate with the crime.
A wife has an obligation to make her husband happy with intimacy. If there is something bothering her so she cannot do this, she must deal with it. Any spouse who cannot function properly must seek rabbinical or therapeutic help. Many things can be done for people who really want to get better.
People have moods, but they must accept failure and do better next time.
A good sexual relationship is the glue that keeps two different people married. One who does not practice a good intimacy may have a bad marriage. In that case, he is punished for the lack of intimacy and for all of the fights and pain as well. He is also punished for breaking apart the two letters of HaShem's Name that represent male and female, the Yud and the Hay. For this reason, the rebbe of the Radvaz, the senior rabbi of Tsefas in the time of the Ar"i z"l, would make peace among gentile spouses, lest they tear apart the holy letters. Surely Jews must be aware of this. Without intimacy and satisfying the female thoroughly, domestic tranquility is unlikely.
Rashi tells us that in the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve copulated, as this is a great holiness. The Zohar in Braishis tells how Adam and Eve went through two stages before they came to intercourse. First, was "face to face," and then, "mouth to mouth," and then, as they came to fulfillment, the Evil Inclination intervened, terrified of what would happen if they finished. One should initiate intercourse after pleasant talking and relaxing, and then light talk even jokes. This is the intercourse of Rav mentioned in the Talmud. "He spoke, made jokes, and had relations."
It is very hard to relax and arouse a woman. One study showed that eighty percent of those women asked said they were not aroused. This can result in pain for the woman, and even frigidity. As the husband powers on, the woman recoils, and that is a prescription for disaster.
Therefore, some people say prayers before intimacy, so hard it is to achieve a proper experience. Especially today, with all of the pressures fiscal and family, it is very hard to relax and be in a good mood. We must pray to merit it.
Asking forgiveness as a part of the intimacy ritual may not be a bad idea. Going to bed with bitter memories is surely not wonderful.
The Zohar says that the two must be without clothes. Rashi in Shabbos tells us that ONA requires that the two sleep without clothes all of the time, even when not having relations. I have asked senior rabbis in Israel and America if anyone disagrees with that, and have not heard anything yet. However, for some strange reason, it has become a point of piety for many people in the Chassidic community, not to do such things, and to finish up the relations as soon as possible. This is evil, against the Zohar, against the Talmud, and leads to misery and sin. Rabbi Yehuda the Chosid and Radvaz, the greatest of the codifiers, both state clearly that it is forbidden to deny oneself the pleasures of intimacy with his wife, lest he come to sin with other women. Nobody is exempt from this.
The Shulchan Aruch clearly states that one must hug and kiss his wife when she feels a need for this, such as when he goes on a trip, even if that day she expects her period. Those who refuse to hug and kiss their wives thus violate a teaching in the beginning of Hilchose Nida quoted by Rav Yosef Karo, the Ramo, the Shach, and based upon gemoras. How strange that such a sin is called piety by some mistaken people.
There is a very deep place in Gehenum for those fools who teach young men and women that sex is not good. This was the teaching of early Christianity, and has no place in Judaism, not in the revealed law, and certainly not in Kabbala.
See Zohar Biraishis 50a, "When a man comes home to his wife he must make his wife rejoice, for two reasons. One, because rejoicing in intimacy is the rejoicing of doing a mitsvah, and the joy of doing a mitsvah is the joy of the Shechinah. Secondly, this brings peace. If he does not have intimacy with his wife, he is a sinner... One must rejoice in intimacy just as one rejoices with the Shabbos." It elaborates on the connection between the wife and the Shechinah. See also Zohar Vayatsei 165a, "Blessing comes only when male and female are together."
See Zohar Chayeh Soro 122, the Shechinah only comes into a home to make is holy when the couple has relations to procreate, and the Shechinah selects high souls for the children to be born.
Even if one is a saint and wishes to have no pleasure of his own, he must make his wife thoroughly satisfied. See Zohar (Pinchas 247b) that a husband must arouse his wife with all of her organs, with squeezing and arousal, so that the "olive oil," a term for the high lights of Atsiluse, flow freely. It says, if the woman does not have pleasure it is not proper.
How sad and how tragic that today ignorant people have invented a new Judaism, shitas Yoshko, against the Talmudists and the Zohar. Great pain comes from this. How many people are ruined because of the stupidity of some kalo class or even Torah teacher. What Torah is this? It is the Torah that turns fine and lovely people into sick people. I know of this, and therefore, must speak out about it.
Beware of the ignorant frumeh fools. They will go to Gehenum, but you stay out of it. Stay with your wife, the Talmud and the Zohar, and let those who hate sex stew in their ignorance and evil ways.